


All the Things That Will Be Lost

by cheekyhobbit



Series: Evermore (Season 5/6 Rewrite) [2]
Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:26:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29886609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheekyhobbit/pseuds/cheekyhobbit
Summary: The morning after, a continuation from "The Best Thing That's Ever Been Mine".Pacey and Joey drove back to Boston together after the funeral, and Joey has spent the night on Pacey's borrowed boat. Canon divergence from 5x04.
Relationships: Joey Potter/Pacey Witter
Series: Evermore (Season 5/6 Rewrite) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197224
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	All the Things That Will Be Lost

**_Can't not think of all the cost_ ** **_  
_ ** **_And the things that will be lost_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Oh, can we just get a pause?_ ** **_  
_ ** **_To be certain we'll be tall again_ **

* * *

He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. Joey lay on her side in the small bunk, staring at Pacey in the dim light. His chest rose and fell in easy rhythm with his deep breaths. The boat rocked beneath them, shifting on the water. Her eyes wanted to close, to let the movement lull her back to sleep, but she fought to stay awake. She needed to hold onto this moment, because she knew it couldn’t last. 

Memories washed over her from their magical summer they’d spent on the boat. They’d been so much younger then, so full of joy and anticipation and trepidation. Well, Joey had been filled with trepidation. Pacey had thrown himself wholeheartedly into their adventure without so much as glancing back toward Capeside. Left up to him, they might have stayed away forever, just the two of them living under the stars, on top of the waves, going wherever the tides took them. So many things might have been different. She imagined their lives as nomads, their bodies lean and brown, living off seafood, bathing in the ocean. The faint crust of salt water on their skin, her skin frayed by the sun, her nose freckled and shoulders pink with sunburn, barefoot on the boat deck, moving easily without losing her balance. Adjusting the sails, steering the boat, learning navigational skills until it was as easy for her as it was for him. Wrapped up in blankets at night as the weather changed and became colder, sailing south to escape the ice and snow that blanketed their hometown. Travelling the world, just the two of them, living a life of adventure. Or becoming shipwrecked on a deserted island, living under the stars. They’d done that once, spent a night camped out in a cove on a tiny island. Pacey had lit a fire on the beach, and she’d laid on a blanket on the sand and stared up at the full moon. He’d laid beside her, and explored her body with soft touches and gentle care, and she’d loved him more fiercely and desperately in that moment than she had ever realised it was possible to love someone. 

And then they’d come home, and their old fears and insecurities had worked their way under their skin, and slowly, despite their best intentions, they’d come apart at the seams. It had happened slowly at first, then all at once. Pacey had blown up at her, blamed her, berating her with his words. He knew her too well, knew which cuts would run deepest, bleed most. She knew it was partly her fault, that she’d led him to that place, but she was still so angry at him for the way he’d broken up with her - so public, so humiliating. Such a tragic, heartrending ending to their love story.

Or maybe not. Because now he was back, and he’d brought so many memories back with him. The bad ones, sure, but the good ones too. And those good memories, they were really,  _ really  _ good. Ever since she’d discovered his presence in Boston, Joey had tried to get back to just being friends with Pacey. Her mind told her that was best, that was safest, that was the only way to do this without getting her heart broken again. But her body remembered. Her body would never forget how he could make her feel, and when she’d given into temptation and let her physical desires take the lead last night, she’d been reminded all over again. 

He made her feel alive. 

She shifted closer to him, both of their bodies naked under the blankets that covered them. Pacey murmured in his sleep, nestling his face into her hair. Joey ran her fingertips along his spine, feeling the muscles that were so much more defined than they had been before. His summer of sailing had done wonders for his physicality. She’d noticed that earlier in the night, when they’d gone from kissing under the stars to stumbling into the cabin and stripping off each other’s clothes. She’d unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off his shoulders, shoulders that were so much broader than they had been when they’d parted a few months earlier, so much browner than the last time she’d run her hands across them. She’d drawn her lips across his skin as her fingers pulled his singlet from the waistband of his dark trousers, nipped at his collarbone as she peeled the soft fabric from his upper body. Breathed in his familiar scent, tasted his familiar skin, leaned into the familiar shape of him, loving the way his body fitted so perfectly against hers. She’d stepped back and looked at him, running her eyes up and down his lean torso. His stomach was flatter, the outline of his abdominal muscles more pronounced, the v-shape leading down towards his groin more evident. His biceps were bigger, more defined, the muscles shifting under his skin as he cupped her face and went in for another kiss. She welcomed his touch, his hands, his mouth, wanting them to be everywhere on her all at once. Joey’s hands had gone to his belt and unbuckled it, pulling him toward her as she did so. She’d unzipped his fly and taken him into her hand, felt him moan against her throat as he tilted her head back, his lips sucking at the soft skin beneath her jaw. He’d guided them expertly back toward the bunk, and when Joey’s knees had hit the edge of the thick foam mattress, Pacey had put his hands on her hips and lifted her onto the bed, his lips refusing to part from hers as he moved over her, their hearts thumping in united anticipation.

Neither of them had spoken. They knew one another’s bodies intimately, and had fallen easily back into the rhythms and movements that they knew they loved. Pacey had taken one of her nipples into his mouth as his hand slid down into her damp panties, his tongue swirling around its hard peak, and Joey had come in a series of thrashing gasps before he’d even had time to slide his fingers right inside her slick centre. She’d heard him chuckle, pleased with how easily he’d undone her, and he’d lifted his head and shot her that adorable, shit-eating grin she’d loved for so long. Before he could say anything, Joey had grabbed his face in hers and pulled him up to meet her lips, kissing him desperately. Shimmying out of her panties, she’d pushed him onto his back and straddled him, aching to have him deep inside her. 

Only then had he spoken, his voice hesitant. “Jo.” 

“It’s okay. I’m on the pill,” she breathed, leaning down to kiss him again.

But Pacey turned his head aside, avoiding her kiss. He held her hips and pulled her forward so she was sitting over his firm, flat stomach, and took a slow, shaky breath.

Joey froze, feeling incredibly vulnerable in her nudity, wondering why he was stopping this. Had he changed his mind? Did he not want her? Her mind flashed back to that night, that terrible night at prom when he’d stood in front of her and yelled at her, had told her that she made him feel like he was nothing, worthless, never right. Her heart constricted, and she shuddered slightly as the memory flooded her, overwhelming all her other senses. 

“Jo. Are you okay?” 

His voice was tender, and he reached up and pushed her hair back over her shoulder. His beautiful blue eyes were filled with concern, and she felt an overwhelming rush of love for him. Love mixed with fear that he’d hurt her again. That she’d hurt him again, that she’d let him down, just like everyone else had, so many times in his life. 

“Don’t you want to do this?” she’d asked, her mouth barely forming the words around the tightness in her throat. 

“Of course I do. But…we should be careful.” He’d attempted a smile, but she could read the embarrassment on his face. “You don’t know where I’ve been.”

“Oh.” 

Gently, he’d moved her to the side, had retrieved a condom from a concealed drawer in the side of the boat’s prow and handed it to her. With a soft smile, she’d opened it and slid it onto him, her desire returning as she’d felt him shiver and tense at her touch. She’d slid down toward him, and he’d tilted his hips up to meet her, and she’d closed her eyes as he entered her, filling her again for the first time in months. He felt amazing, better even that she’d remembered. Much, much better than her imagination during the lonely nights she’d spent alone in her bedroom, pleasuring herself as best as she could, always thinking of him. Even after he’d broken her heart, had torn it out and stomped it into shards in front of their entire senior class, she’d still loved him. Still wanted him, still fantasized about him, still needed him like she needed water or oxygen. Falling forward against him as she came again, he’d left bite marks on her neck when he released himself into the condom, his hands tight on her hips as he thrust eagerly against her, their hips grinding together, the friction between their bodies so powerful she could barely catch her breath. Afterward, they’d laid together in silence for a while, and she’d been too afraid to ask him what he was thinking or how he felt, but then he’d kissed her softly, his lips tracing the curves and angles of her face, and she’d felt loved. He’d excused himself to get rid of the condom, and she’d felt bereft until he came back. He’d curved her body in against his, and held her close as they had both fallen into a sated sleep.

Now she was awake, and it was almost morning. The light outside the porthole was a pinkish grey, and she looked again at Pacey’s sleeping face, buried against the pillow. She wondered about the other women he’d met over the summer. Had they been good to him? Had they given him the release he’d been looking for? They were probably far more experienced than her, more adventurous, more exciting. Maybe he would find her boring now, in comparison. She frowned, and Pacey stirred, as if he was sensing her doubts.

He opened his eyes, their blue lost in the dimness of the cabin, and smiled softly. “Hey, you.”

“Hey.”

Pacey drew in a deep breath, his eye fixed on hers. “I thought maybe I dreamed this.”

“If you did, I did too.”

He tilted his head and kissed her lips with a tenderness that made her heart ache. “I’ve missed you, Jo.”

“I missed you too.” She kissed the tip of his nose. “More than you’ll ever know.”

He drew her in closer to him, sliding his thigh over hers, pinning her to the mattress. “What time is it?”

“I don’t know. Early.”

She watched his face as the memory of last night faded into the recollection of yesterday, and all the pain and misery they’d felt. 

“Barnacle for your thoughts,” she whispered. 

He smiled sadly. “I’m thinking about Dawson.”

Joey arched an eyebrow. “Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” She saw him wince, and felt bad. “Sorry. Forget I said that. How’re  _ you _ doing?”

“I’m okay.”

“ You don’t have to lie, Pace.”

He shot her a rueful grin. “I never could fool you.”

“Beats me why you still try.” 

He sighed. “I think it’s still sinking in, you know? I was always so jealous of Dawson for having such a great dad. And now I’m trying to figure out what it’s gotta be like to have lost that. It sucks royally, of course it does, but at least he had it in the first place. At least it’s easy for him to be...” His voice trailed off.

“Sad?” she suggested.

“At least his grief is uncomplicated,” Pacey said quietly. “He doesn’t have to rationalise it to anyone, least of all himself. Dawson never has to doubt that his father loved him.”

Joey ran her thumb across his cheekbone tenderly. “Have you talked to your dad since you got back?”

He shook his head. “Part of me wants to. I thought about going to see him yesterday, after the funeral. But I’m afraid of what we’d end up saying to each other. After yesterday, all those memories -- I don’t know if I can look him in the eye without resenting him for everything he could’ve been but never was.”

“I thought he would’ve come to the funeral,” she admitted. “But I didn’t see him there.”

“He was on duty. So Dougie said, anyway. I think he avoided it on purpose. Too much emotion involved. He liked Mitch. If he’d gone to the funeral, he might’ve cracked his facade. God forbid, even shed a tear. He’d have seen me crying. He would’ve hated that.”

Joey shifted closer to him, her bare breasts pressing against his warm chest. “Your father doesn’t deserve you.”

Pacey closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nostrils. “What about yours?” he asked eventually. 

“What about him?”

“Have you seen him lately?”

Joey scowled. “You know I haven’t.”

“You think maybe you will?”

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know. Forget I mentioned it.”  He shook his head. “We probably should talk about Dawson.”

She wanted to ask why, but she knew why. They both did. Joey felt a ball of resentment welling up inside her stomach. Why did he have to keep coming between them? 

“Once again, you and I seem to be the champions of bad timing,” she mused.

He frowned. “Do you think we made a mistake last night?”

“No. Being with you has never been a mistake,” she assured him, and his leg tightened over hers. “But I’m not sure that we should flaunt this, exactly.”

His eyes danced. “You were planning on flaunting me?”

“You know what I mean.” She couldn’t help smiling at him, but her face became somber again quickly. “With Dawson so early in the grieving process, I don’t want to upset the apple cart. Make things worse for him.”

The crease between his eyebrows deepened. “So you’re suggesting that we sneak around behind his back?” 

Joey looked away from his blue eyes, focusing instead on the hollow at the base of his throat. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think we should take a raincheck.” Her hand was pressed against his ribcage, feeling the thump of his heart under her palm. 

“Is that really what you want?” he asked. “Or are you just saying that to protect Dawson’s feelings?”

“I…” Joey closed her eyes. “I’m saying it because I’m scared, Pacey.”

“Of what?”

“You.” She forced herself to open her eyes and face the pain in his. “You broke my heart. And like I said last night, part of that was my fault, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. And I’ve never been very good at letting myself be vulnerable. You know that.”

Pacey’s jaw clenched, and she could tell he was fighting back tears. “So...that’s it?”

“No. Not necessarily. I’m not ready to jump back into this right now, but that doesn’t mean it’ll never happen. I’m just hoping that you’re ready to be friends again for a while.”

“I’ll always be your friend. I don’t think I know how not to be.”

She smiled. “Me, either.”

He ran his fingers through her hair. “What do you think went wrong between us? I mean, aside from the overbearing weight of our crippling insecurities.”

“Pretty sure that was a big part of it,” she replied.  “I think we were both so scared of disappointing each other that we forgot to be honest with each other. And I lied to you. A lot.” 

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

He shrugged. “I guess I hoped that you’d eventually find a way to be honest. And I was scared of losing you, so I just let it be. But after a while, all those things got under my skin until I couldn’t feel anything else, even when I was with you. Like little shards of glass digging into me, all the time, and the less I tried to think about them, the deeper they went.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“Not as sorry as I am.”

Joey frowned. “You don’t get to do that. Let me apologise.”

“Sorry.”

A laugh burst from her lips. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

Pacey grinned, and another surge of affection filled her. Her skin tingled, and she was reminded that they were still naked, their bodies intertwined under the sheets. 

He sighed, his eyes locked on hers. “Jo?”

“Hmm?”

“Do we have to enter the friend zone right now, or is there still a little time left on the morning-after clock?” 

She leaned in, brushing her lips across his as she smiled. “The sun isn’t up yet, Pace. There's definitely still time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Another one-shot set in season 5. I'll try and do a few more of these, they'll probably be pretty short (famous last words) but I'm enjoying the challenge so we'll see. I think it makes sense for Pacey and Joey not to immediately fall back into a relationship, but to try and get their friendship to work and see if they can manage their feelings for each other. Also, who doesn't love a slow burn? Basically this is what I would've liked to see in season 5, instead of the way the show pretended they could just go back to being friends after being madly in love for an entire year. Yeah right.
> 
> Fic title and song lyrics belong to Taylor Swift, "Evermore."


End file.
